A Site with your NAME
I often wonder why I took up victoriahford.com. Perhaps it was in a moment of narcissism, where I thought my feminist musings about the world would hold validity to anything concrete in reality. As if my personal story was somehow reflective of the society around me, how gender, sex, class, race, etc in my own life reflect the greater context of the world.
Looking at this now, narcissim is all I was aiming for. My thoughts are no more important than anyone else, but yet I hold my opinions as the ultimate truth, that keeps getting fucked with, bent to, and warped or “evolved” (I hear it’s the new way to describe oneself) into other truths. And sometimes truths once held, then cast out, come back to you. They tell me, hey it’s time to come back to the dark side.
Why yes Lord Vader, I never strayed.
The devolution begins.
But stray I did. I left this website to rot in the graveyard of unforgotten web domains, taking up space on the internet and not really contributing to much of anything.
This is about to change. I am tired of paying for something I don’t use. My intellectual pursuits of half-hearted academia need to be documented. My personal, even if trivial, experiences must be written down. While I do keep handwritten journals (And so many too!) I find it easier and faster to type down my thoughts then hand write. Often, my hand writing is disjointed (even more so than my type!) and that is saying a lot. I barely write in English when I hand write. Such a depressing thought, especially considering that English is the only language I speak.
Pathetic for a so called “Global” citizen. Le sigh.
I can’t even speak the language of science. Sometimes I feel like a lost cause.
While my self deprecation continues, I must retaliate with some good news.
I’m CalArts bound in September. I’ll be getting my MA in Aesthetics and Politics and there is a big part of me that wonders why I got into such great school. It makes me wonder how I am so lucky. Then I realize I fucked up a lot. But this has all led up to this moment. Satnam.
Speaking of Satnam, I have been taking Kundalini Yoga and this has helped me quite drastically develop into the so-called spiritual being that I am. Our instructor tells us to connect with our version of God.
This makes my head swirl. Not just with the rather mundane question of “What is God.” More like. “Fuck, does it make me less of a person because I do not have my ‘version’ of this ‘God’.”
All the same, take me away brain.
Would life be simpler if I could just lean and intrust all my problems into something. Whether it be the Unified String Theory, Buddha, God…what have you…?
I don’t even like the idea that I live on forever through my thoughts that are passed on from one individual to the next. That seems narcissistic and rather self serving which just isn’t my thing.
What is the purpose of this blog post? Nothing. It is just a public rambling of my experiences and thoughts. I am digging this. I like sharing this kind of stuff with strangers. It makes us seem less strange.