I’m a Selfish Loner and A-OKAY with that :)
I am not the person who I used to be, people change and as I grow older my old wants are no longer wants and something else takes form. I used to be a partier, I raged often…I also had a drastically different lifestyle. I lived with people who were the drinking mind set and I was still very peer-pressured oriented as in, I could be peer pressured easily. It was the group of individuals I hung out with mostly–working at CSO you become a peer pressure and are subject to PP quite frequently. It’s like being part of a co-ed fraternity/sorority. That whole mentality of doing things for the sake of the group makes me sick, it breeds a culture that denies individual thought or individual personality. While simultaneously demanding for individuality within a large group of activity, thus activity dictates what you do and how you act all for the sake of the group.
At least that is how I felt. That is a main reason I left. this kind of shit makes me depressed, so i am staying away from it. My “friend” circle dwindled greatly. A lot of people attribute my “new personality” (really my old one that was always there) to my new relationship with Thomas, but that really had nothing to do with it. There were two moments in my life that happened simultaneously and that for me, is okay. I wish other people would be okay with it as well, but obviously, people are weird. We are judgmental at heart & want others to act the way we do. It’s pack mentality.
I’ve finally become a person who is okay with not being around people all the time. I like being with just me, Thomas, and Emma, and the rather new (but old) addition, Tobias. To me this is great. It’s quiet. it’s filled with relaxation.
College taught me that most people are primitive. AND WILL BE. it’s alcohol, an escapism to distracts us from the pain we are faced with daily. The pain of this existence, and I don’t mean this in an emo way, but all the oppressions, subconscious dictation, exploitation and barading of our thoughts—we’re constantly told what to do, how to act, how to feel, what to look like, it affects us subconsciously to a point of pain. we’re constantly in pain and alcohol gives us that momentarily release.
We will find the release in anything we can really, sex, drugs, rock & roll–whatever. what have you. It’s there.
I’m starting to finally become comfortable with that pain, the pain of my past, present and the pain that will be inflicted in the future & I’m finding it comforting, it’s making me more conscious of the world around me, on all levels. Yes, I’m speaking metaphysically here, outside the realm of this dimension, but I don’t mean the 1,2,3,4–>10. What i’m talking about here is a dimension of realities, my epistemology vs historical epistemology vs cultural epistemology vs worldy epistemology…as in other life beings from other planets, etc.
yeah, it’s pretty selfish of us to believe that we’re here all alone. Everything happens simultaneously.
This is the light buzz talking. But I do believe these things. As I’m watching Damages, season 2. I’m such a dork.
Also, on a sidenote, can’t wait until Fanime, I love conventions. that’s my drug to escape the pain of this reality can’t wait to get out of Isla Vista and these fakezz. Perhaps I’m fake too, instead of making a scene I’m polite. it is the curse of my upbringing, I hate confrontation. Or perhaps, that is just who i am.