This is my body. This is a picture of the first time in a long time I’ve worn spaghetti straps. I am no longer hiding or hating my body. I am no longer ashamed of my breast, thighs, hips, stomach. I am no longer ashamed of my body.
Some days are better than others, but everyday is better than it was before. Living the life.
Taking care of my body, staying active and eating healthy.
The Body is your temple; treat it as such.
I’ve heard this saying over and over and over as a child, it was something my mother and my father both proclaimed to me. Treat my body with respect. Treat it with respect.
However, instead of “treating” my body as a temple, ie; eat healthy live an active life style, thoroughly enjoy food. It meant something else to my parents: Your Body is your temple: be skinny.
I was a skinny child. I was in gymnastic and by the time I was in third grade I was on Team & competed. I liked sweets-I wont lie, but knowing that my body was a temple meant to me, “Deny yourself.” “Deny yourself and your body will be happy.”
I remember at the height of my limberness as a child, I could do all kinds of backflips and shit like crazy, my father came up to me, as I was sitting down stretching in my leotard and pinched my stomach, “Remember, pinch and inch and you have to loose weight.”
This frieghtened me.
Your body is your temple, treat it as such.
I was no more than 8.
I visited family in California, everyone in California when you’re a child are movie stars. Everyone is stunningly gorgeous. (now that I live here, I realize this is all due to plastic surgery). One women in particular stuck out to me. She was my Aunt’s favorite, my mother’s favorite. She was stunning. Gorgeous. Just. You. Can’t. Believe.
She told me one dinner, “You’re a beautiful girl, remember always suck in your stomach.” I didn’t have a stomach to suck in, but I thought, okay.
It is one of those things I haven’t stopped doing (even today).
I remember my Uncle coming up to me when I was doing the dishes and said, “Don’t get fat. Men don’t like that.”
And now it makes me think: yeah, cuz I do everything for men. my body exists for male approval. </sarcasm>
My parents couldn’t afford gymanstics anymore, so I stopped at the beginning of fifth grade. I was devastated. I had nothing else to look forward to.
Instead, my father took me to coffee shops and we played Chess with the locals of our town. I became really good.
This is when I heard another saying, “Your mind is your strongest muscle, train it.”
We got a computer and I played ALOT of online chess. Lots of it.
I got my period, and things ballooned. Seemed like one summer I went from having B size breasts to Ds. I was like Bow. And as I matured into my body, i got hips, boobs, curves, you know all those things some women get as they transition into womanhood.
Instead of embracing these changes, I hid from them. My mother bought me clothes that hid everything, told me to never wear speghetti straps…you get the picture. I was conditioned to hide my body.
I was conditioned to believe that I was “fat” and “fat” was a bad thing.
To this day, I still struggle with this.
I am 5’8, and have never been less than 150. This is the comfortable body weight, for my body. I currently am 165. I want to get down to my comfortable body weight.
But there is a difference between, calling myself “Fat” and just wanting to change my body. Getting rid of the negative connotations of my own body is something that I struggle with every day. Some days are better than others. This is a process.
I am a strong woman, with strong legs, and decent upper body strength, I have defended myself against a 6’1, 210 pound guy, and kicked him five feet off of me. I am strong. I can defend myself, yet I am constantly negative against my body image.
So people on tumblr who just post cute little pictures that say “Love yourself.” “You’re beautiful, shed yourself of fat phobia.” Those are wonderful messages, but it isn’t that easy.
It is something you work towards. It just doesn’t happen overnight, or by looking at an internet meme. It’s something you struggle with, work towards.
And you realize that one day you will get there. One day you’ll have positive body image. Don’t look down on me because I am struggling for self acceptance. Understand my struggle, and understand that I am working towards enlightenment.
To all my sisters who are with me, we got this.
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